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Sunday, June 29, 2008

i was brighter. now i'm dark/dim/dim-wit. the only people i can and have to turn to turn me down. these were the people who were supposed to be supportive of me, they were supposed to help me pick myself up and to help me along the way. but they have never. through all these years i've been stuck in the same rut, in this vicious cycle all over and over again like a broken carousel. i've been put down once every few days and i've been living with it. afterall, i tell myself that i'm not in the worst situation, i tell myself to think of the people who are in more pain. but this pain, it's excrutiating. and this pain has been with me for many years to come. and they just doubt me all the time. they think i'm just out here with my life trying to screw myself and trying to destroy myself. i'm sure that's what everyone wants to do. they just think i'm not up to it, that i'm not up to anything. they think i'm just wasting their money away and just spending my life away. they think i'm a joke. i'm the worst daughter on earth and anyone who marries me is unlucky. i'm going to drop out of my degree. i haven't been serious about anything in my life. how does it feel like to have all these instilled in you? it could not have hurt more. "so many people are getting into local uni it's so easy" "you can't even get into one of the 3 unis" "your grades are so bad you're not even ready for uni maybe you should go poly" "how can you assure you won't fail your courses and drop out?" "you didn't study for your A's you were playing a fool" i can't help it if i'm not smart and not who you want me to be. i know it kills you. it kills me too. okay i'm just really down i don't really feel like doing anything and tmr i have to go smile at visitors at the zoo.

i wish someone could say to me, "let me take you there."

this is so dark.

the great escape - boys like girls douya i send you this song :)

love you like a sister;
2:56 pm

Saturday, June 28, 2008

i feel so rejected by the local education system. it's almost as though i just don't belong here and there isn't a place for me at all. feels like everything is going wrong. and the learning journey doesn't feel like what it is supposed to be. i don't really discover anything about myself and i don't find it very enriching either. when i think back about A's i find it so nauseating.

and i'm starting to be more interested in the SDP website http://yoursdp.org/ haha. thanks to a zoo colleague who's a very interesting person having gone through life much more than us with his age. omg this is making me so angsty thinking about how ERP is on practically all the time. i'm sure douya will agree on this. i kind of don't really see how the future of our generation and future generations to come can lead comfortable lives with prices of everything on the rise and the not-very-rising salaries of workers.

i'm so glad cherie is going to get out of all this rubbish and experience a real education. i'm really happy for you lulu. but i know it's going to be tough not having you around. and in years to come we'll all be kind of slogging. it is pretty sad.

oh ya to sidetrack, i heard from my brother that in the states there's this very interesting group of people in a village who does not believe in taxes and the economy. which means: they do not have electricity, they farm or harvest everything they eat and consume, they make their own clothes from cotton itself, they make their own furnitures, they use horse carriages as transports and they bathe at the river. it's like totally self-reliant. wow really. in my life i should get a chance to meet them.

gosh so much angst in such a small person. so unhealthy. and my elder bro keeps saying to me you're so skinny, omg why are you so thin etc. it's starting to make me feel like i am sickly. but i'm not! rrr

oh yes, what's with the weather!

love you like a sister;
6:30 pm

Monday, June 23, 2008

phuket is seriously quite ghost town now. i think it has lost its appeal after the tsunami. but all the small little things still make it somewhat fun i guess. like parasailing, tranny shows etc. a holiday is better than no holiday. and i can't get over the fact that they don't have a proper public transport system besides the tuktuk. the tuktuk drivers are always trying to rip us off totally. and the worst experience was we already settled on a price for this taxi-van and like he was supposed to pick us up at a time we decided on and he just didn't appear. what the hell. he totally just stranded us in the middle of phuket town which is so ulu and no taxis around except for one that tries to rip us off because he knows we're lost and desperate. but we found a saviour that one long story haha we were sitting on like a part connected to a motorbike.

and i'm kind of sad that portugal is out of euro like that. so there's no more euro excitement for me anymore.

it's coming to one year. wow.

love you like a sister;
1:59 am

Saturday, June 07, 2008

okay i've been tagged by eugene and dawn! haha. always only you 2 tag me and i do and the people i tag never do zzz very good.

Rules of the Taggy Quiz:

A] People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B] Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

Here are my answers:

#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
i will throw a bitch fit NOT haha. i will be super ultra stone after some serious crying? can't really accept it and i'm secretly an idealist in love. haha ya i am.

#2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
i meet a genie who grants me endless wishes. okay i wish only. how about travel to as many parts of the world as possible i really want to see the world but yes i need the money but money is alr incorporated into the wish:) the genie one would still be better huh.

#3. If you could be at one place right now, where would it be?
on the plane on my way to a holiday to US. i really want a nice holiday right now.

#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
somehow my future always seems very bleak zzz but i will try to change it around

#5. What's your ideal lover like?
obviously not a bad boy unlike eugene who wrote bad girl(do you mean it? haha) hmm but honestly someone who can make me love him and love me back the same way. someone who is compatible.

#6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved i guess i want to know why eugene and dawn wrote otherwise. haha. tell me!

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
but if i really love him and he really doesn't love me what's the point in waiting? maybe i just haven't come to that situation yet so i really can't tell. if the person i really love is in coma that's quite a different story to the person not liking me back right.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
get over it. it means he's not meant to be mine.

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
ya the whole uni urgh thing.

#10. What do you want most in life?
to lead a long life which is comfortable and happy without drama.

#11. Is being tagged fun?
okay lah sometimes it's good to sit and ponder haha.

#12. How do you see yourself in ten years time?
happily married and working towards getting my omg dream house right now it's the one in pasir panjang if i haven't found one yet.

#13. Who is the current most important person to you?
i think it's the k word/name. i mean besides my family lah that one all equally impt.

#14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
one is someone who gives really good advice and is very in-your-face but a really funny person.
the other is someone who can make me laugh because i will laugh at her and i don't even know why. okay now i'm sounding strange. and she has a really good heart.
and they're both fun and good company :D

#15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
if the marriage is one that can last the test of time and can make me feel alive living on it then ya i'll rather be poor. you know deep deep love? wah so cheesy. single and rich is quite sad eh. it's like you have the money but you can't share it with a person you love.

#16. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be ?
polar bear! it looks so freakingly nice white and cute and huggable! can hug when you feel sad haha but only if somehow it's not a rah animal if you get what i mean.

#17. What are one of those things which you would prefer not to do?
thinking too much sometimes because at times i'm actually in an okay-mood then suddnely i start thinking too much and i get emo. zzz me seriously.

#18. What kind of person do you think you are?
talkative most of the time unless i get bad vibes from the other party/parties. there's such a thing you know haha i actually feel it. it's like sixth sense. i tend to like to keep things simple rather than complicated. i'm lazy most of the time. but i have a good heart generally. i'm yellow. is that a kind? seriously why am i yellow? oh yes i act confident sometimes. really but actually it helps to make you believe you are. okay shit i talk too much alr see.

#19. What do you define as a bad day?
when at the end of the day i feel like biting people.

#20. If you have to choose between love and friendship, what would it be?
depends on the love and also the friendship. i'll choose both honestly why do i only have to choose one?

wah i type a lot eh for a Taggy Quiz haha. okay i tag douya, cherie, wq, huihui, kai, gwen, louie, phy.

love you like a sister;
2:13 am